Jan and I were just as natural in our way as other persons were in theirs. Why couldn't the others understand that? "Want some more?" Bob said and leaned down toward me. His pants were still unzippered and his unsatiable desire was visible in the moonlight. I was revolted by his lack of concern for feelings. I couldn't bear to have him grasp me and bear down on me again. As he was lowering himself toward my limp body, weakly I turned my head and vomited there on the grass.

It was the only protest I could make.

Looking back, I don't think Bob ever forgave me for that sincere gesture of contempt.

My sobs, my tears had in no way touched him. My entreaties had left him unmoved. But this gestureexpressing my feelings regarding sex with him, infuriated him. His ego was stung and he muttered, "You'll learn to like it. I'll force it on you till do."

you

"Jan!" The one word formed on my trembling lips. I was conscious of a mental image of Jan's sensitive face. The love in her eyes, and the tender caress of her lovely, gentle hands seemed to bind me to life.

Without that hallucination to comfort me, I think I would have stopped breathing while Bob hovered over me, muttering his threats. I closed my eyes.

I realize now that he must have thought I'd fainted. I heard him zipper his pants. Then he turned on the garden hose and sent a cool spray of water over my face.

When I opened my eyes again, moonlight was spilling through the branches of the pine. I saw him fling the hose aside, and stalk toward his house.

If only this had all been a nightmare!

Then as if testifying to reality, offshore a sea lion gave a shrill howl ending in a hoarse coughing sound. 62

Aching all over, I managed to sit up. But it was not until I saw the trickle of blood on my naked thighs that I completely realized the significance of what had happened.

Trembling I put on the shorts Bob had ripped from me. Then the hysteria broke, and sobbing wildly I staggered into the house.

My sobs wakened Mother, Beth and Hal. Their eyes were big and staring in unbelief when they saw totter into the livingroom.

Mother shrieked, "My God! She's been raped!"

Beth quickly put her hands over her eyes, as if I were something too horrible to be looked upon. I didn't care at that moment what they thought. If they hadn't forced me to be nice to Bob all through the he'd years, never have done what he had tonight. I had made it clear to him that I didn't respond to him. Made it clear long before Jan came into my life. Jan! Her name was a flame burning through my misery-darkened brain. I sagged to the pink divan.

"Don't get blood on the upholstery," Beth cautioned. I noticed then, that she had taken her hands from before her eyes, and was watching me with concern. Yet her concern was to save the upholstery from stains, not for my welfare. I almost hated Beth then.

Hal cleared his throat, and though he was not much older than I, he said like a stern, outraged father, "You'd better tell us what happened."

As a result of hearing my story, Mother declared there'd be a "before breakfast conference" with Bob's parents. She asked me if I needed a doctor. I said no. Then she helped me to bed. I was relieved when she put out the light. I didn't want to see her frowning face a moment longer.

I wanted to get up and telephone Jan. Then I decided I should wait and think it over. How awful she'd feel to know what had happened!